2 days
2006-01-20, 10:34 a.m.

He hasn't emailed me in two days. It isn't unusual, but still it gets me started on the freak out. I'm so scared he's going to disappoint me again. It's getting down to the wire and he knows it. He knows he'll never have me again if he shirks this. But I'm scared his cowardice will get the better of him again and I'm afraid I'll have to leave him for good this time. I'm afraid everything I've gone through, everything I've felt, everything we've done, will all be in vain. I can't take him back after this, so I'm scared.

I've always, always taken him back. I've seen other people, people I knew I'd never get attached to, just so I could take him back when he apologized and made all his promises. Just to hurt him, just to make him jealous. Just to make him realize I'm a pretty girl, and pretty girls are never lonely. Well, maybe we are, just not to the untrained eye.

He promised. He said he understood. He promised. "We have to be husband and wife, We have to be Mr and Mrs *****," or he'll just die.

I feign confidence in front of everyone "Oh, yes. This time it's it. It's forever, I know that. I'm not afraid this time, he KNOWS this time." I'm terrified. I've never been so terrified. I'm terrified he'll disappoint me, pull the rug out from under me again. I'll look like a fool again. I'll be lost here, miserably unhappy without a plan. He'll devastate me, and I'll drown in it.

In my heart of hearts I know I'm flipping out over nothing. He'll contact me soon, everything will be fine, and this will be forgotten. Until next time he gets too busy again.

I'm scared of February 1st. I was looking forward to that date all month, and now that it's less that two weeks away, I'm scared shitless it'll get here. I don't want to leave him. I don't. I love him, and I know he'll work this out eventually, but everybody thinks I'm stupid for waiting and *I* think I'm stupid for waiting. I hate that I've waited so long, it's ridiculous.

Usually after disappearing for a day or two, he sends me long letters about how difficult home life is getting since she still hasn't found an apartment or a job. Then I feel a little better, just from him contacting me and assuring me nothing's changed.

I'm going to be jumpy and nervous and jittery like this until he files. I mean, after that it's a breeze I'm not and never have been, scared he'll change his mind about the two of us. I'm just scared he'll change his mind about being strong enough to file for a bloody divorce.

Sigh. February first, here I come.

**edited: he emailed me the minute I got home. Told me to stop worrying about it, he's been doing blahblahblah. He loves me, he always will love me, stop worrying about it. Yeah, why don't I just turn off the sun while I'm at it?