berating
2006-01-31, 11:51 p.m.

I did a stupid, stupid, stupid, STOOPID thing.

We fought all day today. Act 1 of said fight was totally his fault, but Act 2 was mine. WHY do I have to consistantly draaaag it out? I don't know.

C is right. When he divorces her and we get married, will the stupid ring even matter anymore? No, it won't. She says she's going to laugh when he does it and I feel (hold up thumb and forefinger) this big because I've been such a wanker. She wants his email so she can talk to him and say things like "forgive my sister, she's an insecure wanker."

Because that's what I am. An insecure fool of a woman looking gift horses in the mouth because nothing's ever good enough for my wanker ass. I'm such a BITCH and I HATE myself right now. I wish I'd just go away somewhere and shut the hell up so he and I have a shot at happiness. DAMMIT girl, shut the hell UP sometimes!!!

He's right, we don't need to fight, we're better than that, and accusing him of still loving her is SO far out of line you can't even SEE the LINE anymore you STUPID WANKER!

I do this. This is what I do. I experiment with how far I can shove my foot up my own ass because I enjoy apologizing a million times and pulling my hair out about what he's thinking about all of it.

AAAAAHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

I love him, and I HATE YOU and you deserve what you get for the way you ACT! You're ruining both our lives, self. STOP IT YOU STUPID WOMAN! And then I look at his picture and I just want to cry because I love him so damned much and I keep fucking it up for no goddamned reason.

Okay, I am deep with the berating and self loathing right now, so you guys can stop reading cause it's just going to go on and on like this.

On the other hand, I'll just stop writing and continue the browbeating inside my head.

STUPIDSTUPIDSTUPIDSTUPID!!!!