common ground
2006-02-16, 2:29 a.m.

He's emailed me about a thousand times since I stopped talking to him. First one said I was good at not answering emails, so I guess there are a few waiting for me at work. Keeps begging me to come back, on the 13 tells me he's finally filed. My private shared-with-no-one cut off date was the 14. If I hadn't told him it was over, he wouldn't have made it. I would've had to tell him on the 14, and he would've filed by the 20.

It's weird that this time there was no 'last straw.' I just got tired of it. I just decided I didn't want to do it anymore. I didn't have to hit some 'milemarker' only to decide it still didn't matter.

Now he wants to send me the ring. Now he wants to send me everything I've asked for. Couldn't do it when I was professing love for him, nope. Had to wait til I was utterly sick of him to make any changes. That's the way he is. Nothing was ever different until I was so pissed I couldn't see straight. He often let my emails go unanswered for days until I was so angry at him his monitor was melting. Now he "knows what it felt like" to be ignored and neglected. Expected to keep the flame alive without any encouragement. Now he's sorry for the way he treated me.

Now he hates her.

Now I don't give a damn. He waited so long, took so much time, he's filed and I don't care. MY needs don't matter, if they did it'd have been done and over by now. It'd have been done in time for me to be the one in Texas. Only his needs matter, and he was only going to change if I forced him to. If I stopped allowing him to have his cake and eat it too. Because now I've cut off HIS needs, so mine can matter by default. I don't want to live my life like that, and I won't.

I have another date with my new guy on Saturday. Cleaned and polished my apartment in preparation. We get along so well it's ridiculous. It's made me realize a lot of things.

He doesn't get me like I thought he did. And it took someone who actually DOES understand me to show me how much I was forcing it. Anyone, ANYONE who was halfway attractive and approached me at the time and place and mentality that he did would've gotten the same reaction. Provided they were prochoice, at least borderline liberal, they'd get the same reaction. I'd feel the same bullshit "connection."

There is no connection. Yes, the sex was great. Yes, we communicated our needs and desires quite well, I could always trust him that he never wanted to take anything farther than I did and in that realm we were always completely comfortable. But that was IT. Just the sex was good on communication and all other levels. It stopped there. He called Sandra Day O'Connor an old hag. He said he'd vote for...dammit, now I don't remember his name. Over Hillary Clinton. I can't remember his name...dammit...a republican, anyway. Republicans are the devil incarnate. You never, ever EVER vote republican. They're stationed in the wrong pockets.

He knows how I feel about this stuff. He feigned passion of his own about similar topics. Passion he didn't really have, so he could get closer to me.

He claimed to be a huge fan of Rage Against the Machine, but when Zack De La Rocha's voice comes over the radio, he was all "who is this?" Whatever. Go back to your Kenny Chezney or however the eff you spell it. Yeah, I finally learned his name. Know why? Cause he married Renee Zellweger, not cause I ever, ever became familiar with country music you twat. Kept guaranteeing me I'd learn to like it once I was in San Antonio. I don't think so.

Kept wanting to change, slightly alter, the person I am. Wanted very badly for me to sell t-shirts with the spouses group, not really realizing (no matter how much I said it) that I wanted to work for a women's clinic and spend more time at protests. He doesn't protest. Ever. I understand you can't in the military, but the one time he came over and I was scrapbooking pictures from the March For Women's Lives, he's all "I guess your feelings are just stronger than mine."

The new guy is actually interested in going with me next time. He goes to the gay pride parade, even though he's straight. T (as he will now be referred) saw my pictures from Gay Day and was all "lesbians with their shirts off!!" (It's legal for women to go topless in Cols, and festivals like that take full advantage. There's more to it though, noticed if you're not a neanderthal.) I actually didn't really notice the toplessness until it was pointed out to me, it just fit in so well with the atmosphere.

Point is, we didn't have as much in common as I thought we did, but I couldn't see this until I was slapped in the face with someone that I actually DO have a lot in common with. I just kept hoping once we were married, our problems would disappear. That's not how marriage works, honey. It solves a few problems, but mostly just lets you in on a whole new set. Especially when the person you're marrying is happy you "let him be him" even though he can't reciprocate the same courtesy to you.