fresh again
2006-03-12, 10:42 p.m.

New guy dropped me from the myspace friends list. I'm guessing he's found out.

Fine. Be that way. Asshole. Did it hurt you? I fucking hope it did. You think what you did didn't hurt me? I liked you. I thought we had something pretty damn good, and I was wrong, and that fucking HURT like you wouldn't believe.

I'm tired of being a collectable. I'm tired of being this THING that men will fight over, cut friendships over, do anything they can to obtain. Then the second they take me out of the box I lose all value.

There's only one person I never lost value to, and I can't go back to him.

New guy showed me what I've been missing, but what did he want me to do when he ended it?? I couldn't just stand around forever, and I was MAD! So I slept with Hair Guy. Sue me. Maybe you shouldn't have been such a JACKASS!!

I wish I'd never noticed the friend thing, cause now it feels fresh again. God DAMN it.

I am a person who needs people. And don't go singing Barbara Streisand, or I'll punch you in the face. I need someone around me who understands who the hell I am so I don't feel so constantly, consistantly lonely. I didn't feel lonely around him. I felt at home. I found a kindred spirit, you think he'd get it. But he doesn't.

So once again, I'm left without. And he'll never forgive me for Hair Guy, and I knew that when I did it, but dammit I was MAD. If he had just...SHOWN UP! If he'd just done that, said let's forget the whole thing, I'd have forgotten it! And everything would be fine. But no, he has to be bitter, so now I'm feeling stupid and empty inside yet again.

I hate lonliness. I hate that it's made itself such a home inside me. Lonliness lives in the pit of your stomach, like hunger but you don't want food. If you're feeling anything but what can only be described as starvation, than it isn't lonliness. Trust me, I've been here often enough to know. I majored in lonliness. I helped it pick out office furniture.

So now I'm going to go upstairs and figure out a way to cause myself physical pain to make me forget the pain without a source. Don't worry, I don't cut. Outgrew that when I was about fifteen. Usually, I pinch. It gives me something to focus on, to center on. HERE is where it hurts, THIS is why it hurts, and I can make it stop whenever I want and all I have to do is just open my hand.

The pain in my stomach doesn't work like that. I can't just make it stop. See the reasoning now?

I am fucked up, kids. And I don't know how to fix it. I'm not depressed, I mean, I'm by no means a happy person, but depressed in the sense that therapy or drugs could help me? No, not bad enough for that. I'm right on the cusp. It's the lonliness. It's the feeling like I'm on this separate realm that no one can transcend to. Every once in a while someone does, but they leave with the quickness. Sometimes I manage to fool myself into thinking someone's made it across, but usually they're only seeing what they want to see. And being with someone who really doesn't get it just makes it worse.

By the way, Doctor Slasher called me back. The biopsy came back fine. I knew it would, there was no reason to fucking cut me. Skeevy bastards.