fruition
2006-08-18, 3:33 p.m.

So a few days after that entry was written, T contacted me again. The divorce will be final in October.

I don't know what I'm going to do. Will I stand up with a man I really don't love and pledge to be his wife so my life will get easier? Because it'll be simpler than telling the man I DO love what I want, knowing he's not ready and probably doesn't want the same things? He can't offer me what T can anyway. He can't offer security, and a home. With T, I can go back to school, I won't have to worry. And it's not as if I DON'T love him at ALL, I have affection for him and I know that'll grow if I tend and water it again. We've got a lot in common, we want the same things out of life. Hot unyielding passion fades and you're either left with nothing, or warm affection. And after I fake it long enough, it'll happen. Right? Right.

Jesus Christ, I'm completely whacked in the head. But look at the facts, my mother married for no other reason than love. She was poor and miserable her entire life. A is much like my father in his laid back, work doesn't matter attitude, and I refuse to become subject to the same pitfalls as my mother.

But there's also the very good chance that I'm worrying over nothing as he's telling me the same things he ALWAYS has, and nothing's come to fruition yet.