gravel
2006-02-01, 2:42 p.m.

He's talking to me. Focusing on what is not the problem, but I'm just letting it go. The ring doesn't matter. Also didn't tell me he doesn't love her. Asked me "do you think I'm affectionate with her?" Then told me how SHE hates HIM. Not that he doesn't love her, just that she hates him. That hurt. That hurt a lot.

I didn't say anything about it, but god does that hurt. I don't want him to be with me just to get back at her for not loving him. I want him to love ME and only me forever. I'm jealous that she's got a piece of his heart, I want it. It's mine. I want him to love me so much there's no room for her.

I know it'll happen. I know being with me, actually WITH me, will change how he feels about her. I hope. Sigh. I just can't figure out why he loves her at all!!! Her looks are so unfortunate. She couldn't spell her way out of a paper bag, she treats him like GARBAGE. She treats him worse than I'd treat a dog. Doesn't even have to be MY dog.

She cheats on him, gives him diseases, goes through his things. Curses at him in front of their son, calls him a pervert. SHE'S SUCH A FUCKING WHORE AND I HATE HER JUST FOR THE SHITTY WAY SHE MAKES HIM FEEL!!

I don't know why men like women who treat them like shit. I'll never understand it. But, I guess women are the same. For a year and plus months I've been in love with a married man, and I'm only now allowing myself to realize he still loves his wife and that is complete and total BULLSHIT, but it's true. And I feel so retarded right now.

I don't know what's going to happen, still says he loves me, still says he's marrying me, but it's february first and he hasn't mentioned filing and I think that's the only letter I'll get from him today. Went on about how I'd hit a nerve with him when he thought about me being touched by other men at the club (it was a gay guy, I have this thing with gay men where they like to touch the twins and I don't mind) and how she hates him.

So I'm probably sitting here waiting for HER to file because he can't bring himself to do it because he's currently so much in fucking love with her. It's true. Married men never leave their wives, but eventually their wives leave them.

And I'm sitting here, holding the bag, waiting to play second fiddle to an evil filthy bitch of a woman, and rather than him choosing me, she's rejecting him. I feel so defeated right now. And so stupid, and so powerless. I really should leave him, I should. I shouldn't be willing to settle for a man that loves someone else as well as me, if he loves me at all and isn't just hanging onto me as a lifesaver in case she tosses him in the water.

I'm left with this question. Are you really going to go through with it? Are you really going to wait for a man's wife to leave him? Are you really going to marry someone who still loves another woman? So much so that he can't even say, to you the woman he supposedly wants to spend his life with, that he doesn't love her? He certainly told her he didn't love you. Told her you were nothing. Told her you didn't matter. Told her you were a liar. Let her call you a whore and a slut. All those horrible things he said about you, and now he can't even tell you, even if it's a lie, that he doesn't love her.

I know there's something missing, though. If there wasn't he wouldn't need me. DUH there's something missing, she HATES him, jackass! Stop trying to rationalize!! This sucks and you know it, so deal with it and stop being a wuss. The pain is RIGHT here. Not over there, not in your goddamned happy place.

You've been juggling two women
like a stupid circus clown
telling us both we are the one
And maybe you can keep me
from ever being happy
But you're not gonna stop me
from having fun
-Gravel, Ani Difranco