life lessons
2006-08-14, 12:04 a.m.

Funny thing. I haven't actually heard from...anyone...in the past week. A dropped me a line when I made a bulletin about mom being in the hospital (she's fine) but that's it. We were supposed to go to a party together here pretty soon and I haven't heard a word about it. Well fine then.

And the big depressing secret I've been privately blogging my little heart out about. I was pregnant. I am no longer.

You see, I really, really care about A. He's a single father, going through a divorce (they're actually SEPARATED, and by several states, and have been for quite some time, so this is no situation like I had with T) he's living close to the board, just like yours truly. So I saw fit not to burden him with my...burden. Plus that I'd always told him he didn't have to worry about it, I'd take care of myself and do what was right for my family, and coincidentally, his family.

I got the money from mom, and I did it the pill way which meant that I was bleeding for about a week and a half and my hormones were EVERYwhere and it was awful and I was (almost) crying ALL the time. You know what's worse than crying all the time? Being on the VERGE of crying, all the time.

I tried in my little roundabout never admit the problem way, to reach out to him and let him know I needed him. To no avail, and I probably scared him away from me or something, which wouldn't suprise me because I'm fucking stupid most of the time. But what angers me is I went through this because I care about HIM and he can't even pretend to care about me and just basically cuts off contact and that makes me feel like shit.

I can't blame him, because he didn't know what was really going down, just that I was acting like a bipolar emo freak or something, but still. When you're putting your body through hell for the benefit of another person, part of you wishes they had some kind of ESP about the whole thing and could at least recognize that you're hurting and actually WANT to do something about it other than walk away until you're done with your breakdown.

A couple nights it was really really hard, and I realized that is yet another thing on the list of things I never want to deal with by myself again. Course, here's hoping I never have to go that route again at ALL, but these are the rights I marched for. I haven't felt like doing much of anything because of the way it's made me feel. I've just wanted to crawl into a hole like a hibernating animal. Not because of the choice itself, but because I want to feel wanted by him right now and I don't so I wonder if I protected him for nothing and made things harder on myself when it might not have even mattered to the other party.

I don't know if he would've even considered the way things were on my end, he would've just felt guilty or something, some selfish emotion about how it would all affect HIM and his bloody karma.

Well, that's interesting. Guess who just IM'd me.