moving on
2006-02-07, 3:44 p.m.

I went to the club last Saturday. I met somebody else. He's shy, but he's funny and cute and interesting. And single.

Something inside me changed. I realized that though the people I was looking at before weren't measuring up, I was still looking. He raised the bar, but he never made me STOP looking. I told him I don't want to marry him. It's scary, kind of like when I realized I don't believe in Jesus. Something I'd taken for granted, something I'd never questioned the truth of, turned out to be false. It left me standing in the woods alone, no path, feeling quite a bit like Alice. Suddenly whatever was guiding me had let go of my hand and now I had to depend on me. I had to realize there was nothing holding my hand in the first place.

But I did it then, and I can do it now. He's never protected me, never taken care of me, never loved me beyond anything but lipservice. He still has his wedding ring, he's still holding on to the hope that his marriage will miraculously work out. I don't need that.

Then I checked my email, clicked my junk mail folder, and actually looked at a message that's been sitting there for about a week and a half. Someone signed me up for adultfriendfinder.com under a derogatory username. Only two people know that email, him, and her (thanks to when she hacked into his yahoo account.) I don't need this bullshit. He can keep his skeevy whore, I'm moving on.

I have a date with the shy funny interesting guy on Saturday. I'm going to suggest we go see the new Colin Farrell. This guy seems like relationship material. And I think I'm growing up because he doesn't seem like an overcomplicated piece of crap who's going to treat me badly or ignore me. Not that he treated me badly in a literal sense, but he did ignore me.

I see us taking things very slow, and I think that's what I need right now. Wish me luck!