refinance her car
2006-01-27, 3:36 p.m.

I swear to god, I swear to god. Yeah, our relationship has had more problems than previous entries have let on. He's looking to refinance "all the auto loans" apparently including hers, and his signature loan. He explained signature loan once, but I don't quite remember the specs. Did it to pay off the cards so he wouldn't have to deal with debt after the fact. At least I think that's what it was for.

I have no idea what happened to the money from selling the house, he still hasn't told me even though I've asked. There are a couple things he hasn't told me even though I've asked. Like what "content" she supposedly downloaded. Or what happened the other day when he told me not to email him until after 1o'clock, "trust me on this."

So he's looking into refis. Tells me about a credit union he looked into, tells me another he's going to talk to. I say okay, shop around. Get the best deal. Emails me back just to "let me know" he's going to shop around and find the best one and when he does he'll let me know.

And then the bells start going off. Let me know? Find the best one and THEN let me KNOW? As in just wait til I find the best one and then I'll file? Are we back there? After all this we're back THERE? To the time before time when it was all excuses and waiting and the blobby indefinition of the permantent state of temporary my life had become? It's still a permanently temporary situation, but now I see a definite ending so it's lost the blobbyness. Unless we're going to go back in time to the first excuse of why he couldn't leave. Gotta do xyz with the money situation.

I can't go back there. I can't live back there anymore, I won't do it. I've tasted a little bit of the freedom a timeline can give me and I won't go back. After he files, there's a sixty day waiting period. That's sixty days where he can shop around all he likes. He has to realize that if he pushes it back, just one day, it's not pushing back one day it's pushing back 61 days. He has to realize that, he has to. He's not stupid, he's not going to do that to me.

I mean, say it takes to March 29 to find a refinance he's happy with. If he files on time, we can get married the following week. If he doesn't, he just made something that was supposed to last two months last four. If I am not important enough to fucking file, I've only got one choice. This has to be as important to him as it is to me. It has to be. He's not stupid, he's going to benefit from all this and he knows it. AAAAHH!!

It's driving me crazy. I don't know why, I guess it's just because I never wanted anything or anyone this much before. I want him more than I've ever wanted any man, and I've waited longer for him too. I totally heart Rhett Butler, and do enjoy Gone With The Wind references.

You see, I don't want a knight in shining armor who'll treat me like a princess or something. That's just too fake for me. I want a Rhett or a Noah, who'll tell me I'm a pain in the ass (cause I completely know I am) and love me anyway. Most of the time, that is who he is.

But sometimes he's the pain. I just wish I could be sure. But I can't be, and I won't be until February first when he tells me for once and for all, who's the most important woman in his life.

Often I just sit and listen to my music (the cure, the killers, or the proclaimers. "the" bands. It's the "the" bands that make me think about him.) and think about how great it's going to be to pick him up from the airport. Throw myself in his arms all movie-like the minute he comes into view. I miss those arms, I miss that mouth. I miss the back of his head, and I know that sounds silly but I do. I miss the way it feels when he's cut his hair. I miss that twitchy thing. I miss the way he looks at me from the side of his eye when we're laying together. I miss that patch of hair right in the center of his chest (if he'd just stop cutting it to see definition). I miss snuggling my face into his neck. I miss the way laying in his arms always felt like home.

When I'm with him, I don't have to pretend. I don't have to be anybody but me. I don't have to live up to some expectation because the only things he ever expects of me are limited to being exactly who I am and as long as I do that, we're fine.