such as it is
2006-02-10, 5:24 p.m.

Okay, something happened. Am I going to say what it was? No, no I'm not. It's my personal business, but I'd like to share my feelings about said situation if no one minds. And if you do, oh well. My diary, random!!

I don't know who to trust. I don't know how long it's been around, I don't know where it came from, but it's there and I feel dead inside. I want to do violent things to myself I haven't had the urge to do in years. Not die, even though I was always with the suicide, never the hurting without purpose, but I want to hurt without purpose right now. I just want something to LOOK or FEEL different because to find this out yet nothing is different is more frustrating than the unmentionable itself. Why do I have to change anything? Why do I have to talk to anyone about it? NOTHING IS DIFFERENT!! I can't see difference, I can't feel difference, but by hell something IS and I better just believe it. It's fucking ridiculous.

I thought about cancelling saturday. Seriously, long and hard thought about it. But I'll wait.

I hate so much that every time I change from an unhealthy breakdown of a lifestyle, something has to go wrong making me think why the hell do I even bother?? Monday, I was happy. Tuesday, still happy. Broke it off with him, still happy. Then I get that fucking phone call that says "hey, I forgot. DRAMADRAMADRAMA!!!!" I can't escape it, and I'm beginning to wonder if I can even physically function without it. Every time I free myself from the drama, it manifests itself in more and more grotesque ways. I'm sick of it. I just want it over.