take it away
2006-03-01, 6:15 p.m.

I had a colposcopy yesterday. It was horrible. My CNM didn't see anything wrong, it's all on the up-and-up, didn't see a reason to biopsy, didn't even see anything she'd WANT to biopsy. But she's a CNM and needs the doc to sign off on that stuff. He comes in, barely says a word to me, immediately forgets there's a TORSO attached to that vagina, and it contains a little more than the hand that writes the check. Says "See that little fold there? Take a biopsy of THAT." Ie, "see that fold? Cut it off."

Most women don't feel about their cervix the way I do about mine. Best friend had a biopsy, acted like it was no big deal. This bothers me. They are cutting parts off of us just because we're girls and we're acting like it's fine and dandy. We're women, we spend our lives getting slowly hacked to bits why should we care? Let me walk up to that doctor and say "hey, drop 'em. We're going to snip off a piece of the thunderdome." I bet he'd have plenty to say on the matter.

I was crying and crying most of the day yesterday and part of the day today. It was humiliating the way he treated me, why can't male gyns have better attitudes? Every male I've ever had has been a shitty, shitty doctor. They shouldn't be allowed to be gyns, they don't fucking get it.

I'm tired of people hurting that part of my body with violence. It never ends. Someone always has to walk away with a piece of me. Just once in a while, I want someone to reach down there and do nothing but be nice.

I guess that's why I'm so rough in the bedroom. Personally, I don't know any better. To be slow and sweet and loving is to be vulnerable to unwelcome pain. To welcome the pain, to expect the pain, and to be unsatisfied without it, is to hold equal ground. I suppose that's something to be pitied.

I wish it was no big deal to me. I really do. But it is. My yoni is my center, my power, and I can't stand when people hurt her. I should've stood up and left that office before I let them take a sliver of her away. I'm glad I didn't go back to work after, because yesterday she was screaming. She was screaming and I answered her with tears.

I just want everyone to leave us alone. Let me get back to my life. I can't do anything with anyone for two weeks, I don't want to explain this to new guy. I'm tired of dredging out my medical history every time we get together. I know he'll be fine with it, I'm not scared of that, but I hate it. And there is ALWAYS the risk that he'll just walk away. Especially if he realizes what a big deal this was to me. I guess I'll just have to downplay it again. Screaming in my head "they cut up my cervix!" while I say medical words like 'biopsy' that don't carry the image of the knife going into my feminine flesh, the blood that poured from it. A place where sharp edges and metal don't belong, ever.

They'll get back to me in a week. And they'll tell me it was nothing to worry about. CNM told me that often, the biopsy speeds up healing of the virus so by the time the wound heals the virus is gone. So if it does come back with something, odds are it'll be gone by time they get the results. Then they'll go in and look again. And maybe cut me one more time "just to be sure." I won't consent to another one. They've got all of me they're going to get. I'm tired of the knives.